Maureen Dowd Meets Stewart and Colbert
I thought Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert might be a little nervous to meet with me. I was the real news commentator, after all, and they were the mock. They threw spitballs at presidents; I interviewed presidents before throwing spitballs at them. I had crisscrossed the globe to cover news stories, while these guys just put on dark suits and threw up imported backgrounds on a green screen. No doubt they would try to impress me with some weighty discussion about world affairs or the midterm elections. But when I walked into Colbert's office at The Colbert Report, just off Tenth Avenue in Manhattan's Hell's Kitchen, the two barely acknowledged me. Stewart, rumpled in a gray tee over a long-sleeved shirt, khaki cargo pants, black Timberland boots and a Mets cap, was sprawled in a chair with takeout coffee. Colbert, neat in a long-sleeved navy shirt, blue pants and wire-rimmed glasses, was sitting up straight next to him, holding a paper plate of fruit. They were already deep in a weighty discussion.
COLBERT: If honeydew is ripe, I think it's the king of melons.
STEWART: Nah, I think given the choice of melons . . .
COLBERT: You'd go cantaloupe.
STEWART: Oh, I don't think there's any question. The cantaloupe is far superior to the honeydew.
COLBERT: No, every night I hunt for the honeydew.
STEWART: The honeydew is almost a coconut; it's barely even a melon. I think you're making a huge mistake.
COLBERT: No, I don't care for it.
STEWART [in a stentorian announcer's voice]: Colbert and Stewart came to blows over the melon.
At last, they turn their attention to me. Their gazes are not, as I'd expected, full of respect. They regard with amused disdain the old-fashioned, phone-book-size Radio Shack tape recorder I'd put on the floor between them.
"I had one like that in 1973,'' Colbert notes.
"I thought it was a chaise,'' Stewart says. "I was going to lie down on it. I suppose there are two gerbils in there slowly paddling, and that's moving the wheel." He asks if I also brought a calligrapher.
COLBERT: If honeydew is ripe, I think it's the king of melons.
STEWART: Nah, I think given the choice of melons . . .
COLBERT: You'd go cantaloupe.
STEWART: Oh, I don't think there's any question. The cantaloupe is far superior to the honeydew.
COLBERT: No, every night I hunt for the honeydew.
STEWART: The honeydew is almost a coconut; it's barely even a melon. I think you're making a huge mistake.
COLBERT: No, I don't care for it.
STEWART [in a stentorian announcer's voice]: Colbert and Stewart came to blows over the melon.
At last, they turn their attention to me. Their gazes are not, as I'd expected, full of respect. They regard with amused disdain the old-fashioned, phone-book-size Radio Shack tape recorder I'd put on the floor between them.
"I had one like that in 1973,'' Colbert notes.
"I thought it was a chaise,'' Stewart says. "I was going to lie down on it. I suppose there are two gerbils in there slowly paddling, and that's moving the wheel." He asks if I also brought a calligrapher.
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